‘Hey, Mom — can you check my homework?’
September 17, 2009 by Geneva ReidPosted in: In this week's e-newsletter, Latest News & Views, Student Life
They’ve been called the “tethered generation” and the “baby on board” generation. But are today’s college students afraid to let go – or is it their parents?
Walk across any college campus, and there’s a good chance you’ll see students chatting on their cell phones with Mom or Dad. And if they’re not talking, they’re sending text messages. Or using Facebook. Or Twitter.
As Shannon Colavecchio wrote in the MiamiHerald.com, “The umbilical cord is now wireless.”
A University of Florida study conducted a few years ago found more than 65% of the 8,000 students polled said they talked to their parents on a regular basis about their social lives. And when the students were asked how often they’re on the phone with their parents, the median was 1 ½ times a day.
In a similar study, Middlebury College psychology professor Barbara Hofer looked at 1,000 students (at Middlebury and the University of Michigan), and learned 20% have e-mailed papers home for their parents to review. Also, students said they were in touch with their parents – using e-mail and cell phones – about 13 times a week.
Educators today are finding themselves dealing with students who are reluctant – if not incapable – of picking their classes without first checking in with Mom or Dad. Nor is it uncommon for a student to send a quick text home to ask a parent to Google the location of a campus building.
It’s ridiculously easy for parents and their children to stay in constant touch these days, agrees Karen Levin Coburn, co-author of Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years. (Originally published in 2003, the fifth edition was released this year.)
But the constant contact deprives students “of developing a sense of confidence and competence and of taking ownership of their college experience,” she says.
Does the close – and constant – contact between parents and their children help keep students safe? Or is it interfering with students’ ability to stand on their own two feet? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
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Tags: Barbara Hofer, Karen Levin Coburn, Middlebury College, University of Florida, University of Michigan
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September 16th, 2009 at 9:21 am
There are a lot of strange things going on in higher education in today’s society. Campuses are not safe for physical or intellectual well-being of the students. Many parents feel that the standard for hiring professors (checking backgrounds) and bringing in speakers to influence young people can no longer be trusted. Truth seems to have gone by the wayside. Parents want their children to receive a college degree, but they also wanted their children to become adults with physical and mental health and a sense of well-being. They cannot achieve these pursuits if they have been feed information that is not true (not backed by facts or research). Parents are investing in their education so that they will be able to function as responsible adults, not warped or cripled mentally by the experience.
September 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Unfortunately this article fails to discriminate between those who cannot make a decision and those who refuse to do so without consulting trusted resources. The latter category is the wiser and more mature. This second group not only stand on their own feet, but understand that by seeking information and perspective beyond their own a better decision can be arrived at.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Difficult to say for sure in this article. Children learn boundaries from parents and the latter not setting/practicing clear boundaries sets up the child for difficulties in socialization. i.e. getting along on their own. So is the parent or child practicing co-dependence? My children are all in college. I support their efforts without doing/checking their assignments for them. There’s a big difference in those 2 paradigms. It’s their education, not mine. At some point children have to emotionally grow into being adults. Parents have to let go as well.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I think this article creates a false dichotomy. It’s possible for students to be extremely self-confident and independent AND to have close relationships with their parents. All three of our children took a gap year right after high school–one to be an au pair in Spain, and the younger two to be Rotary Exchange students in Belgium and India, respectively. After college, my oldest was a Peace Corps volunteer in Central America, but she is now back in grad school, and calls us all the time. All of our children feel confident about going anywhere in the world, making friends, and standing on their own two feet. Our oldest even coordinated rural community development while speaking non-native Spanish. But all of my children have also e-mailed their papers to us for a final editing, and they called us many times each week to discuss everything! We are all happy with this arrangement, treasure our close family relationships, and value our–and their–independence.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:34 am
The article does not have the depth to be definitive about the affects of convenient communication on the college student. It certainly is an area for further study and discussion. At least one book that I have read finds that students are less likely to make relationships with the people in a new environment because the convenience of maintaining previous and often distant relationships. Whether this transfers to the acquisition of knowledge and the formation of opinion is hard to tell but seems likely.
September 16th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Speaking from the perspective of a Career Counselor at a community college for over 25 years, a parent of a recent B. A. degree recipient and a current high school senior, and having been an undergraduate myself in the not-so-recent-past, I am not at odds with the participation of parents in their college children’s activities. I think it provides a sense of continuity which is beneficial to the student during the freshman year. However, there needs to be a weaning in the relationship during the first year when the parents need to come to grips with the fact that their students are transforming themselves into independent beings. By the time they’re sophomores, most students should be on their own where they can tell their parents “don’t call us, we’ll call you”.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Why are we so concerned about a close relationship between parent and child. There are WAY too many young adults out there who have little or no relationship with their parents or ANY other older adult that they can turn to for support, advise, etc. These are the young adults that we should be concerned about. The ones that are more inclined to get on the wrong “track” and make unwise decisions. I agree totally with Gail McCarney…my daughter and I have a very close relationship and yet she is able to be extremely self-confident and independent when it comes to make decisions affecting her own life and handling the problems that arise from living an independent life. I too treasure my close relationship with my daughter and admire and respect her independence. My relationship with my own parents has been strained for most of my life and it is just one more stressful situation that I have to deal with on a daily basis–especially as my parents get older and start to become more dependent upon me.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
This is an interesting article, but the real meat of the issue was not teased apart. Why are kids in closer contact. Is it because they can’t stand on their own, which the article implies. Or because they can–given the ease.
I have two daughters and we are in touch via cell, email and chatting. It probably adds up to 7 contacts in a week. The conversations are usually very short and I have edited one paper in a collective 7 years of my 2 kids college time. But I am frequently a person they call Are girls more likely to be in touch than boys? Are parents actually reading and editing the papers or making general comments and allowing their children to make the editing decisions? Are kids discussing their options about classes, but making their own decisions? And, can parents let go it need be? This is the crux of the matter. I foster my kids independence, but love our closeness and contact. How do we get this right? Don’t know. My daughters have mapped out their own college careers, chosen their major totally on their own, structured their course work so they meet their requirement in consultation with advisors. All this seems good. On top of it, both my daughters are more accomplished and ambitious than I was. They feel more pressure around jobs and grad school than we did, and times are hard economically. I’m glad they feel they have the back-up–someone who is there to listen when they need it. I think this is a good use of technology. With or without technology, interfering parents will do their thing.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Today’s students have gotten used to looking stuff up on Google or Wikipedia. It is no surprise that they look to their parents for help with their school work, since that kind of help is not available on the web.
They think they are so smart because all the answers are a few keyboard clicks away. Ridiculous.
They are going to school to learn ‘how to think’ on their own, and because of technology this is being interfered with.
And their constant contact with friends/family, remote not physical, is a poor substitute for living ‘in the moment’.
This younger generation is a disaster. The country will be destroyed in about 20 years.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
There’s good reason the term, “helicopter parents”, was coined. We have trouble here separating some of these parents from their children during our new student orientations. If I had a nickle for every time a parent called my office, with a question their kid should be asking, well, I’d be retired.
September 16th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
There are those of us parents that have close healthy relationships with our children and don’t need to be told “Don’t call us, we’ll call you” because it is our children that are calling us. They recognize that we have life experience that is worthwhile. They respect our lives and our opinions. Why then, when they turn 18, are parents suddenly supposed to abandon our children when they are the ones asking for our input. Granted they need to make their own decisions, but don’t we want them making informed decisions based on facts and, depending on issue, what others opinions on the subject might be and the rationale behind those opinions? Just because our children come to us doesn’t mean that we are dictating what decisions they should make, nor does it mean they are aren’t asking for other opinions as well. I’m sure many of these parents do as I do and remind our children that, “all of us are individuals and though we may ask others opinions, it’s up to each of us to make the decision that is right for us.”
September 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I think it’s beyond argument that a close relationship between parent and child is a good thing. As an educator; however, I have to say that no college-level student should be sending papers home to parents to check. Today’s technology makes is possible for a young person to be in Timbuktu and still be too dependent on his/her parents. I’d really have my doubts about the maturity of a student who checks in with Mom and Dad even daily, let alone more than once a day. Parents are naturally concerned that their children will make unwise decisions on their own, but letting them make decisions, including bad ones, makes children better able to make decisions — and face the consequences of those decisions — in the future.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I think that Proud Parent inadvertantly speaks to one of the cultural issues that promote ‘tethering’ and what will ultimately address it. The current college generation for the most part has had a more restricted intergenerational family relationships where the adult does not play some professional role. As a result, students have fewer and narrower adult models to consider. College can’t change that, but for the parent who understand their child’s perhaps limited exposure and encourages the adult student to question childhood norms and confirm personal truth, the relationship can be beneficial as part of the college experience.
P.S. I would also say that there is no correlation between daily communication through college and closeness in parent/child relationships. That is a variable that needs to be removed from consideration. If thit were true than most parent/child relationships North America would have ended in our mobile society. My personal observations over the past three to four generations of my family seem to prove otherwise.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I think it really depends onthe needs of the young person. I have two children one in college and one graduated-one I am spoon feeding through the college experience and the other was very independent. I have close relationships with both but very different relationships. I happen to be a professor, so I have the expertise my children need –would you expect a doctor not to treat their own child? Yes, I wonder when my son will be able to stand on his own-but am unwilling to let disaster be his teacher.Also, when I went to college it cost $150 a semester. When college involves a tremendous parental sacrifice you can expect they will be protecting their investments.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Folks I think most of you are missing the point here. This article is specifically talking about students, and there are many on our campus, that can’t make a move without talking to their parents. This IS also about parents who can’t let go and this IS happening in the form of parents buying books at the bookstore while their student is at home giving instructions on the phone….parents walking their students around campus so they can find their classes on the first day of school and I mean College@!…..parents calling in to complain about a grade their “child” received, and I know parents who write papers for their college students! Being “close” and connected with your child is not what is in question. We must question parents’ need to “helicopter” and even control their adult children – this ultimately stunts their child’s growth and inhibits them from becoming successful contributing members of the workforce and society. We all ultimately will pay for this behavior!
September 16th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Missed the point, you said it better than I could have. I know of an instance where the parents of a student, professors both, have written papers for their child, chose paper topics, and so on. Others call the university to ask where “Johnny” can park, find the student Union and so forth. Gezz, if I had asked my father that, he’d have said, “Your the first college boy in this family, you figure it out.”
September 16th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
I agree with thisiswhatisee – too many people do not develop new relationships because of their electronic tethers to their current pool of intimates. I am glad I grew to adulthood before cell phones, email, facebook and twitter! I was able to learn from mistakes AND learn from good decisions as well, and when the sh– really hit the fan in my life, my parents were a phone call away and always available if and when I needed them. Closeness is not defined by frequency of contact, but in the strength of the bond between two individuals.
September 16th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
As a university admin I see the difference between students with involved, careing parents and those with “helicopter” parents daily. One recent instance was during a conversation I was having with a student explaining a financial matter (which because of HIPPA regs we can’t even discuss with parents). The student received a cell phone call in the middle of our conversation, answered it (another issue that we won’t address here) then tried to hand me the phone to talk to their mother! I refused to take the phone and explained that the student was an adult and I would only talk to them, they could relay our conversation to their mother later if they wished. It is these types of students that this article is addressing, and their numbers seem to be growing on our campus. Parents need to be involved, but they have to realize that there is a line that will socially cripple their “children” if crossed.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Any parent who edits a college student’s paper contributes to a case of academic misconduct. Most, if not all, universities have strict codes of student conduct that prohibit unauthorized aid on an assignment. I teach a class on plagiarism and ethics to the juniors and seniors in my classes every semester, and many are surprised to learn that their mommies shouldn’t edit their work.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I am a college student/employee and I do receive a large number of phone calls that students should be making. However, as a student I do realize that often parents call without consulting their students, even when it is not something the parents need to necessarily know or could have relayed through their students. From what I’ve seen parents need to stop making the calls, as many students dislike doing so. I can say that my parents stopped making phone calls for me the moment I started controlling my own social schedule and that definitely helped me prepare for decision making of my own.
As far as communication between parent and student, I think the type of communication is very important. My mother and I contact each other somehow every day, via email or phone call. I do not think this is all too strange, as I simply like to know how everything is going in the home I had for the first 18 1/2 years of my life. It’s not necessarily a “Mom, what should I do?!” but a friendly hello, and if the situation arises I know my mom will allow me to vent without needed to give advice. My relationship with my mother has helped me develop more confidence since entering college, because I know that there is always someone that will be there for me even when I do something out of the norm.
In reference to college staffer: It seems that you are dealing with a certain class of students that is not to your liking, but please keep in mind, most students that have to deal with college staff for any amount of time are already having difficulty understanding a particular process, and may in fact be dimwitted. Just remember that there are millions of us out there, and the chances that you are getting an unbiased sample are quite low, we are NOT all idiots.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This is an interesting article, but one thing to note is that there is a huge difference between a freshman and a senior in college – not really distinguished in the article. I would have no issue touring campus to check out classroom locations and dorm locations with my son, or helping with a paper (I give feedback and suggestions like a teacher – would not hold his hand and edit for him). But as a senior he should be able to figure it all out himself – including financial issues/aid etc.
September 16th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Here’s another example.
Received a call the other day from a “parent” (least they said they were, but how does one verify that over the phone? I do so enjoy being yelled at by parents when my job is to protect the privacy of the student. But that’s another story). They wanted to know how to find their son/daughter’s course schedule, on-line. They said they wanted to figure out what textbooks their kid needed.
When I explained how every student was given an acct and a password, and only they can access that info, the parent replied, “Oh, that’s OK I have his/her accts and the password.” Now why would a college student give his/her parents’ their college acct and password? That alone is a sad commentary on how some students refuse to grow up & take responsibility, or how some parents just can’t “let go”. Perhaps some parents are living vicariously through their kids’ college experience? I wonder about that.
I graduated from college many years ago. Many states away from my home town. There was no internet or cell phones to keep one “connected”. Boy, oh boy, am I glad I had that opportunity to forage for myself. My success is a true testament to the solid foundation my parents helped instill those first 18 years under their roof.
From where I sit, there should be a lot less “hand holding”. Its time to cut the apron strings.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I do not mind the contact with parents, but to have them check or review homework assignments is unfair to other students without the same access to professional consultation.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Carol Bowman wrote: I wonder when my son will be able to stand on his own-but am unwilling to let disaster be his teacher.Also, when I went to college it cost $150 a semester. When college involves a tremendous parental sacrifice you can expect they will be protecting their investments.
IMO, “unwilling and protecting” hit the nail right on the head for me.
That statement shows me the importance of honestly examining my motives. Every situation is unique and no answer fits all. Sounds simple, it’s not easy. Thankfully, I don’t have to get it right every time. The decision that doesn’t work out usually leads to another idea that does. My children deserve to have their own life experiences and they manage just fine without me doing it for them.
Good luck everyone…
September 16th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
The comments here from many parents are classic examples of the problem. First, you should not be “editing” your kid’s papers. That is what we call cheating, unless your kid is acknowledging that an outside person ihas edited the paper. Do your kid a favor and don’t edit–do you intend to edit their memos at work once they get a job? Second, the fact that your child calls you 2-3 times a day is not a sign of closeness, it is a sign of dependency. Do you call your parents 2-3 times a day? Did you when you were 18? You can be close and still limit phone calls to 2-3 times a week. It will force your kid to figure out how to solve problems on their own, a key part of maturity. Third, do not: call their professors, register them for classes, remind them when homework is due, form a “study group” with your kid. Your young adult needs to learn how to go solo, and a prolonged adolescence is not helpful. Let them make mistakes, let them fail, let them find out things for themselves. You did, and look how well you turned out.
September 16th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I completely agree with sociallycrippled. I also work in a college setting and have encountered these “helicopter” parents. I will say that we encounter only a few of these parents compared to the large number of students at our institution. Students that have close relationships with family, even those that may call daily, are not necessarily “crippled” or incapable of “of developing a sense of confidence and competence and of taking ownership of their college experience,”
September 16th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
WOW ! They are describing my daugther. Although the calls are not that often, the questions she asks me are the same.
September 16th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
There is sufficient research data that tells us conclusively that adolescents must separate from their parents and individuate in order to become healthy adults. This is not new information.
Whether or not it is “good” for students to cling to parental apron strings is not up for debate. We know it’s not wise, and that they will suffer a kind of retardation, and fall short in their maturing process as a result. There is a reason 18 is the age of maturity for most matters. In fact, the strange legal gray zone between 18-21 makes little sense–why vote and be drafted at 18 but not be legally able to drink alcohol?
Why does this culture have a systemic need to debate non-issues? The media, such as this forum, are to blame, for raising “questions” that are no questions at all, and for encouraging uninformed people to consider issues in light of how they feel emotionally about them, and not in response to research findings and the theories of experts. Any dog can have pups, and just being a parent doesn’t mean one knows anything sensible about raising children. It’s time to respect the voices of those who have given study and thought to issues, and not just egg everyone on into a free for all of ignorant babbling. We are witnessing right now the beginning of a real degeneration of our society: without widespread competence in life skills and practical matters, there’s not much hope of anything but chaos and calamity.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
What you have here are two separate issues.
One, concerns a different type of parenting than many baby boomers had growing up.
These parents are close and do have healthy relationships with their kids. They taught their kids boundaries and respect them. The fact that they are close to their kids is highlighted by the fact that distance is not an issue, because of technology.
The second issue is of parents who will not let go and let their kids grown up; the ones who will edit papers, or write them! They are not the same animal! As one can see by the varied responses to this article. The helicopter parent is not a new phenomenon, they have always been there, it is just made easier by new technologies.
September 16th, 2009 at 8:04 pm
I am taken aback at the suggestion of Susan Ransom that somehow professors are not “safe” for their children to be around. I have taught freshmen for 8 years at 4 different Universities and we are fully vetted. We have to have letters of recommendations transcripts, and copies of all of our student evaluations. I guarantee you, you don’t have to worry about your kids being indoctrinated; we have no desire to “lie” to them. We just want to teach them to be intellectual, to write and read at the college level. Mostly we want them to actually gain a work ethic and take responsibility for their own educations. They need to stop crying to mommy every time they are asked to work hard for their grades instead of feeling entitled to them. So, stop worrying about how “dangerous” professors are and worry about instilling responsibilty and respect in your children so they are up to the task of taking charge of their own intellects. And trust them to make up their own minds.
September 17th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Harmonia said: “It’s time to respect the voices of those who have given study and thought to issues, and not just egg everyone on into a free for all of ignorant babbling.”
Ah yes! I forgot! We should check our brains at the door and accept anything deemed as “research” without further thought. Forgive the sarcasm, but many people (professors included) accept the conclusions of research without thought for the methodology, assumptions, research techniques, etc. Additionally, the focus is only on contemporary research, excluding studies older than 20 years.
I will admit that there are issues with people today failing to take the time to understand the differeing aspects of a problem or situation, but it is an equally poor choice to simply accept research because it is research. Critical thinking was once taught in our colleges and universities. Now only the acceptance of “fact” it taught. Is it any wonder that the population is loosing it’s ability to think!
Once a nation of producers, we have become a nation of consumers. We choose entertainment over work. <— This is our downfall. And when we are not taught to think and make good decisions – when we are taught to simply accept the status quo because that is what the majority believe – what is left to do? It's all be decided by the intellectual elite! By George, why should I bother?! I"m going to the movies. Hmmm now which is the more eco friendly: the large organic popcorn with the free refills or the …
"In times of change, the learner will inherit the earth while the learned are beautifully equipped for a world that no longer exists." –Eric Hoffer
September 17th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Harmonia lectured: Why does this culture have a systemic need to debate non-issues? The media, such as this forum, are to blame, for raising “questions” that are no questions at all, and for encouraging uninformed people to consider issues in light of how they feel emotionally about them, and not in response to research findings and the theories of experts. Any dog can have pups, and just being a parent doesn’t mean one knows anything sensible about raising children. It’s time to respect the voices of those who have given study and thought to issues, and not just egg everyone on into a free for all of ignorant babbling. We are witnessing right now the beginning of a real degeneration of our society: without widespread competence in life skills and practical matters, there’s not much hope of anything but chaos and calamity.
Wha? I choose experience and research and theory in my ignorant babbling of life skills and practical matters.
September 17th, 2009 at 11:00 am
I have to support Harmonia in, as I understand one of her(?) points: there is a kind of tendency now, because technology permits it, for us to join in on running discussions like this one and pontificate, whether we know anything about the topic at hand or not. There’s also been a tendency towards anti-intellectualism (including disregard for authority earned by education) — perhaps that will change with Barack Obama.
I’m not drawing any conclusions, but Harmonia has drawn attention to an aspect of the types of debates we regularly have online now that warrants pondering.
September 17th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
This whole issue is one of deep concern to me. I agree that we need to let our children make some mistakes, learn from them, and grow up! If a freshman expressed concern to me about not knowing where his/her classes were, I’d suggest he or she look on the web for a campus map. Kids lack life experience, and it’s okay to suggest to them the factors they need to take into consideration to make a decision, such as, what do I hope to gain? What resources do I have at my disposal? But to make their decisions for them infantilizes them. Who “needs” parents to make decisions for young adults – the kids or the parents? They are the ones going to college, not us!
That said, I do appreciate having e-mail and telephone available to communicate with my grad student son, who is halfway across the country. People ask us if we miss each other and we really don’t because several times a week, we IM and every couple of weeks we have a good talk on the phone. We feel close and connected, in spite of the physical distance between us.
September 18th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I don’t have everyday contact with my children; one college grad; one in college; however; I see no issue at all with parents assiting your college students in getting comfortable with college. Today’s world is much different than is was 20 or 30 years ago and having contact with college students several times during the week; I personally think; is the safe thing to do. Helping & assisting your student with things actually teach them to do these things in the future by themselves as long as you include them in those tasks.
I find that most people that always comment about parents that “hover” etc… are people that have never had children; so do they truly know that feeling of that deep love and committment you have to your children?
September 18th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I have a third-year college student and one in middle school. This article highlights one of my biggest frustrations with the “college experience.” My college student has always been a terrific student, and she earned every grade on her own; she averaged a 3.8 GPA throughout high school while she was a yearbook photographer and held down a part time job during her senior year. She did that because it was expected of her!
During grade school, our support entailed making sure she had a ride to school, lunch money and any supplies the teachers required. Completing all assignments to the best of her ability and turning in her work on time was/is her sole responsibility. Yes, if she had a problem she couldn’t handle, we would discuss it, but the final answer/paper/project was all her own. I have seen so many parents do their children’s homework so they could fit in too many extracurricular activities; create high tech classroom projects when my child’s was created with clay as the teacher instructed; etc.
Then came high school. Parents rushed out to pay for private tutors and specialists to help their student write their college essays; fill out, calendar and submit their applications for them; on and on. They want to ensure that their child’s information floats to the top and they into their (parents’) school of choice. Many of those same students would call my child for homework advice because they knew she really knew how to do it! Or when a group project was due, she usually completed the bulk of it because her classmates’ families had to go out of town, or they had a sporting event to participate in and she didn’t want her grade to suffer, so she took on more. What happens is that many of the kids who actually do the work on their own and can handle the independence don’t get into the school(s) of their choice; others whose parents did much of their work for them and paid for others to do some of their work get in and then they cannot handle it. Frustrating!
Parents are paying a lot of money for their children’s college education. I understand that they want them to succeed, but they need to succeed (or not) on their own. If the child does not have the drive and independence to really do it on their own, then they are not getting their money’s worth. That’s my two cents.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
As a university administrator, I feel I need to comment. In this day and time almost every college campus encourages parental involvement. The idea is to keep the parents informed so that they can provide support and guidance to their students. We can also help parents see the value of their money being spent. There is absolutely nothing wrong with close contact between parents and their college-age children. It is important for parents to offer support and guidance. It is not appropriate, however for parents and grandparents to take over the responsibility of the students. Students should shop for and purchase their own books, schedule their own classes, pay their fee bills, complete their class assignments, learn and adhere to the institutional policies and procedures. and make their own decisions. Just like us as college personnel, parents are there to offer the advice and guidance. However, it is the student’s responsibility to make the decisions and follow through. This article seems to address a growing trend of many parents and grandparents who are assuming the decision making and follow through. This is real and is happening too often.
September 23rd, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Does anyone besides me find it odd that when referring to a mother or father’s child who happens to be a college student, we see people referring to the mother’s student rather than her child. My students are in my classes, they are their parent’s children. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be in regular contact with Mom and Dad, but I do think it is a bad thing when Mom or Dad calls the professor, department chair, university official rather than the student, certainly if the student has not done so him or herself first. Parents, advise your kids, but try to get them to solve some of their own problems. As a department chair I talked to many parents but I was much more impressed when the student came to see me him or herself. Also be aware that there are laws limiting the amount of information that we can give to parents. The worst case I ever saw was a graduating senior who needed to retake a math course and was having difficulty getting in who would stop by my office but never engage in any conversation or listen to alternatives I would suggest when the course he wanted was full but would walk out, call Mom and Mom would call me this happened repeatedly. I doubt that kid has grown up yet.
September 24th, 2009 at 10:30 am
I am both a veteran university administrator and a parent of two undergraduate students. One of these children is neurologically disabled and needs just a touch more reinforcement to retain new skills. The disability is not obvious and no one just meeting this student or having the shallow interactions in a lecture enviornment would be able to discern it. A lecturer would only know from the official paperwork provided by this student that some specific accomodations were necessary but not why. I resent the assumption of some my colleagues nationwide that parents of students with issues like this may be “heliocopter parents.” Do I need to show my child’s paperwork from the Office of Students with Disabilies to explain my role the first time my child has to buy college text books. Do I need this paperwork to explain why I might be in the hall outside the advisor’s office during a freshman year when the young adult is overwhelmed and later needs reiteration of the options? Truely, it is none of these other people’s business why I am there. My other child goes to school on the other side of the country, has traveled and studied in two other continents and does not need this reinforcement. I do not provide it. For me and one young adult I am in a role of a specialized advisor, a role that I do not intend to extend any further than necessary. However, what is necessary for one student may not be necessary all students. The assumption by those who do not understand make growing my child even harder because of the hostile but well meant barriers to information some students need.
I can even have a rational explanation for Professor and Aunt’s worst case student. Poor conversational skills and inappropriate problem solving skills are typical for some people with certain types of disabilities. These two people may be an older adult caretaker of a young adult with disabilities. If I choose to put that light upon the behavior I can be pleased that the young adult has been as successful as he has. If he develops the skills to be able to maintain a job he will be an active tax paying citizen providing a benefit to our society. It sounds like they are on their way!
September 24th, 2009 at 11:49 am
It sounds like the phenomenon we’re all talking about here is much too prevalent for all these students to be like the ones Walking a Fence has. And even in those cases, if it gets to the point where the situation is like the one Professor and Aunt was describing, it is in the student’s best interest that the professor be informed of the student’s special needs.
I think it is not helpful to anyone for parents and students to take the attitude that “it is none of these other people’s business why I am there.” Number one, it is the professor’s business and, secondly, it’s in your child’s best interest that everyone involved is aware of any special factors that may affect his/her ability to be successful in a course.
I think that attitude reflects a kind of consumerism that is rampant now: I paid X dollars for my child to go here and the customer is always right. But we’re not in retail; we have more of a doctor/counselor/personal trainer – patient/client relationship with our students. A student comes to us with a case of ignorance and we work with that student, so that s/he gains the information and skills to overcome it. And you might be able to get the degree for your child, but you can’t gain the knowledge and skills for him/her, any more than you can make him/her physically fit.
Lovebeingamom says “most people that always comment about parents that “hover” etc… are people that have never had children; so do they truly know that feeling of that deep love and committment you have to your children?” I don’t think that most of the people making comments here are non-parents, but as someone who has never had a child, I have to say I think I understand deep love and commitment. It means doing what’s best in the long run for the loved one.
September 25th, 2009 at 9:59 am
For more on this subject go to: http://www.taylorprograms.org/welcome.html
I sit next to a lady at work who has a freshman college student. I hear here her daughter call at least 2 times a day. I’m amazed at the ’stuff’ her student needs from her mother. Some things are so basic you start to wonder if parents are unknowingly retarding their kids.
I am so thankful to my parents for letting me grow up on my own. I remember my first few weeks as a freshman in a state away from my parents being very hard. It didn’t take long though before I began to swim on my own. I look back at that and know my parents did the right thing and it was because they cared.
Read what Mark Taylor says in his articles. I was at one of his seminars. Very eye-opening!
October 5th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
We are talking about our individual values of high levels of independence of self sufficiency. I think we have to be careful about the intrusion of our values on the judgments we make about relationships between other people and their children. We do not know these students’ families, histories, cultures, and issues. We are imposing our own values when we make these negative judgments. Yes, sometimes excessive dependency is inappropriate and potentially destructive but there may be other issues involved about which we have no knowledge. Issues may include acute traumas where temporary supports are being provided or may be related to chronic disbilities about which we have no legal right to be informed. We can encourage our students to develop to the best of our perceptions of their abilities but it is to the friends and families to whom they turn and eventually return. Each of grows at our own time to our own level. Our role is not always to impose our values but to enlighten each other of these values of independence and self sufficiency. It would be wonderful if each and every person at an institution of higher education were as caring as many of the people who have commented above but there are also instructors who have 300 students in a lecture hall and can not have the ability to grow every student at the interpersonal level. I think much of this umbilical behavior is a developmental process which younger students are likely to engage in more than more adult students. It really is ok.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:47 am
Thank you Helen, you said what I have been wanting to say so much more thoughtfully and eloquently. Yes, it is really OK for parents to provide the support that their child needs to be successful in our schools. And there are so many different kinds of needs and experiences that students are dealing with-we should be very, very happy that they have someone to turn to who will see them them through rough times. We are all dependent and interdependent on each other. Perhaps our children will grow up with more appreciation for the interdependence of humanity, and not be blinded by the myths of independence that plague our national dialogues about everything from health care to guns.